Normally I try to keep my blog as lighthearted and joyful as possible; this is where I go to remind myself that I'm blessed with so much: family, friends, inspiration, everyday beauty, love and more.
But recently I've been going through a rough patch with my father and my frustration has reached levels that mean you're going to be subjected to a rant. An ugly, selfish, rambling rant! So abandon ship now if you're not interested in hearing about it all!
*rant starts now*
It looks like I'm officially a member of the "sandwich generation": giving care to an elderly parent as well as my own young ones. Most SG members are quite a bit older than us- 50 is the average age. Lucky me (and my sis), we get to enter the club in our 30s.
My dad, who has lived his whole life being self-sufficient, is getting the point where his age (82) and his health (he was diagnosed with Parkninson's disease over 5 yrs ago) are requiring him to receive more care than we can give. Right now Dad lives with in a mobile home, along with a woman who used to be his girlfriend but is now engaged to someone else (yes, I'm confused about that too). Basically Ms. M- as we'll call her- is Dad's caregiver as well. She makes sure he takes all his meds, eats, etc.. My sis and I can't do that because sis lives 4+ hrs away in Vegas and I live nearly an hour away & have no childcare for the small ones.
I'm not sure what Ms. M's motivation for taking care of Dad is....especially since she's supposed to be marrying someone else any day now (though she's been saying that for nearly two years). I suspect that she gets a thrill out of his being completely dependent on her. Plus there's the free room and board since she lives with him.
At any rate, she's been so involved in his care that she's pretty much pushed me and sis out of the picture. Ms. M takes him to the doctor, fills his scripts, does all the daily chores like helping him get dressed, etc.. But I think that in the last year, as Dad's become more frail and needy, Ms. M has become more and more burnt out.
Both sis and I have gotten calls from Ms. M claiming that we're uncaring or disappointing (!) because we don't spend enough time with Dad. This is especially frustrating for us because we've been trying for over two years to get Dad to either move in with one of us (he nixed that idea), get a paid caregiver (also nixed), or move into an assisted living apt. nearer to one of us (nixed x3).
I've been called over there multiple times recently because Ms. M is at work and Dad has fallen, or he has had some 'emergency' which isn't. Both sis and I feel that Dad really needs full time care, either in an assisted living place or in his own home (which needs to be modified for his safety- for instance there are no ramps and he can't go up and down the stairs without major assistance). So far Dad has flatly refused our offers of finding a caregiver, or going to local facilities to take tours.
So here we are: sis and I continually offering help & suggestions, and Dad/Ms. M saying that they can manage.
Well Ms. M left for a week's vacation two days ago and I have been over to Dad's three times. He's already fallen once. Last night we had a long drama involving Ms. M's little doxie (who suddenly couldn't walk), a four hour wait at the emergency animal clinic for me, and lots of tears all around. I didn't get home till nearly 11:30 last night.
This morning he called me at 8am and said he can't get himself dressed because his tremors are really bad for some reason. He's quite confused and keeps telling me that I'm supposed to be working on a 'project' with my mom (who he hasn't seen in probably 5yrs). I've got to pick sis up from the airport at 10:30 and we're going over there to find out what the hell is going on.
I really don't think that Dad's/Ms M's idea of 'managing' is working out so well.
This whole situation makes me both sad and angry (the frustration goes without saying, no?). I'm sad because I know Dad feels embarrassed to be so dependent. I'm sad because he's becoming less & less of the man we grew up with as he becomes more frail and more confused. I'm sad because I know that he needs care in a 'facility' and one of his biggest fears has always been to end up in a nursing home.
But I'm angry, too. Angry because he *knew* this was coming and did nothing to plan for it. He's lucky to have full veteran's benefits and a good pension...he could have hired a caregiver years ago & fixed up his place to be more disabled-friendly. I'm angry because all the suggestions we've made to him have been nixed by Ms. M and her need to have him be dependent on her. I'm angry because it's just not fair that I already have two small children to care for and dealing with Dad is like adding another small child to the mix. An 82yr old 'child' who is just as stubborn as my 2yr old! I'm angry because I feel guilty- and I shouldn't- both sis and I have offered time & again to help out and have been rebuffed.
I'm angry and I'm tired of being the salami in this generation sandwich....
I'm not sure what the solution to this is going to be...or if there is any kind of solution at all. Sis and I worry that Dad will finally fall badly enough to need hospitalization. This is a hope as well as a worry because if he's hospitalized we think we can finally get him into a care facility without much argument on his part.
There will probably be some big changes for all of us in the next few weeks....I'm just hoping that the changes will lead to a better situation for Dad in the long run.
*end rant*
On a lighter note, here's a drawing Little Man did for me to 'make you feel better, momma':
It's me and him, taking a walk at the park with our water bottles. I think I look a bit 'startled' (I'm the one on the right)! LOL But I love the colors and the green grass. What a little artist LM is. :)
